The Jam Cellar || Swing Dance and Lindy Hop

But before that, we have DJ Alan Kerr!

We've had an amazing new discovery here at the the Jam Cellar. It involves one of our collective favorites movies, Swing Kids. For more info, just check at the bottom of this email.

But, more importantly, we have an incredible month here at the Jam Cellar.

Balboa Buffett starts tonight!

Week 1 of our Balboa Buffet Series is SLIDES for Balboa and Lindy Hoppers. We'll show you the basics of all the major swing dance slides, and show you some places to put them into your Lindy and Bal. For Int/Adv dancers. From 8:30-9:30. Bal month continues next week with special guest Nick Williams. Click here for more info.

Next Week: The Brooks Tegler Small Group performs!

Bringing you the swing-era sounds of Benny Goodman and Chick Webb, you won't want to miss next week's LIVE Jam Cellar!

This month! Kate and Bobby teach Beginner and Intermediate 4-week Balboa Series at Glenn Echo on Thursdays!

Beginning this Thursday (Surprise!) at Glen Echo, Bobby and Kate will be teaching a four-week Balboa Beginner series at 8 p.m., and an intermediate series at 9 p.m., all of which are at the Bumper Car Bandstand. These will be different classes and material than the Jam Cellar series. Presented in cooperation with the Glen Echo Park Partnership for Arts & Culture, Inc., the National Park Service and Montgomery County, MD

Sept. 12, SAC AU LAIT at the Bumper Car Pavillion

The up-and-coming Baltimore gangster-land dixieland jazz band is the band-of-choice for the Baltimore Swing Scene, and we're excited to give them their DC debut at the Bumper Car Pavillion. $13. 9 p.m.-midnight. Presented in cooperation with the Glen Echo Park Partnership for Arts & Culture, Inc., the National Park Service and Montgomery County, MD.

Addition to last weeks DC ILHC props

I forgot to mention last week that Crista Seipp and her partner Jamie Cameron also took 2nd place in the Lindy Strictly.

Swing Kids Original Ending Discovered

I think I can depend on most of you having seen the movie Swing Kids. For those who haven't seen it in awhile, swing kids goes like this: Two friends, Peter and Thomas, are teenagers in 1930s Nazi Germany. They love swing music, awesome fashion, and hep slang, all of which are forbidden by the government. When a prank gone awry gets Peter thrown into the Hitler Youth program, his unstable best friend, Thomas, puts himself in so they can be together. Thomas, however, is soon brainwashed, and threatens peter about going out and dancing. Oh yeah, and at some point Peter meets this totally smoking girl at a dance and they date and then she disappears for the second half of the movie. Completely. At the movie's finale, after a bunch of dramatic action goes down concerning a crippled friend of theirs, Peter decides to rebel against the Nazi's by…going out dancing. And, who would show up to break up the party but Thomas and a gang of Hitler Youth hooligans. Peter and Thomas fight, and sort of make up, and Peter decides to further his protest by…getting on the truck to be taken to a work camp. Thomas waits behind. At the end, Thomas gives a "swing heil" salute.

According to this description, one can see how the ending could come off as anti-climatic. But, fear no more!!! It turns out that they have just discovered the ORIGINAL ENDING TO SWING KIDS, which I was able to get for a small cost. **

** please don't ever, ever ask me what I did to get this script.

Here it is:

Swing Kids Original Ending

WILLI

Holding up an umbrella, looking after the truck driving away with PETER on it.

Swing Heil! Peter! Swing Heil!

THOMAS looks on, stunned. When the truck turns the corner, leaving his view, he suddenly snaps out of it. He begins running.

EMIL

Berger, where are you going?

THOMAS

Over his shoulder.

I saw one go this way.

Cut to THOMAS running through allies, jumping over fences, and finally coming out onto a main street where the truck has just passed. He turns to run after the truck, using the same shot as earlier in the film, when THOMAS and PETER were running for a truck with a stolen radio.

THOMAS

Peter! Peter!

The gestapo guard (GESTAPO GUARD #93) on the truck, holding machine gun, stands up.

GESTAPO GUARD #93

You there, Heir Berger, what's your business?

THOMAS

Still running. Peter! Peter! Music swells. Swing Heil!!

(Note: Those of who will remember the final scene in the film will notice that the movie chose to end with Thomas simply saying “Swing Heil” to Peter at the dance. The reality of such a situation would be catastrophic. Thomas, being noted by the Gestapo lieutenant played by Kennth Bragnagh, would surely have been given up for a rebel, and sent to a similar work camp as Peter. Thus, the two's protest would have ultimately amounted to not much more than a probable death sentence, or, at the very least, years of forced labor at the Nazi war machine. In this, the actual real ending, Thomas's running after Peter shows that Thomas, who was willing to run so hard away from his open-minded beliefs, is willing to run back for them.)

Inspired, PETER rises, and pushes GESTAPO #93off of the truck, then jumping off of the truck himself. He falls, rolls, and gets to his feet. All the rest of the swing kids jump off as well, and scatter as the truck halts to a stop and GESTAPO GUARDS #94, #95, and #96 hop out and run after them, shouting in Nazi.

PETER and THOMAS unite and hug.

THOMAS

Noticing the guards coming.

We'd better get out of here.

PETER and THOMAS run off into an alley. As the camera ascends up the buildings and into the sky overlooking the alleys, we see the figure of PETER and THOMAS making their way through the maze of the city, GESTAPO guards running past on the lookout for other swing kids; but none following them. As the camera continues panning onto the horizon, we hear their voices.

PETER

So what do we do now?

THOMAS

Well, you decide. We could go to France. Or I guess we don't have to go there to resist, we could probably find something here if you want.

PETER

Why do I have to decide?

THOMAS

It's not like I'm making good choices recently.

PETER

Well, whatever we do, we need to make a stop first. I know someone who will want to come with us.

THOMAS

Who?

PETER

Efie.

THOMAS

The girl with the red dress?

PETER

Uh-huh.

THOMAS

Man, she looked like gold.

FADE TO BLACK

Dear Nina, Tena, and Sylvia. You rock.

We at the Jam Cellar are so proud of our very own Nina Gilkenson, who, along with Tena Morales and Sylvia Sykes, saw their vision realized this weekend for an International Lindy Hop Championships that would have incredible judges, top notch competition music, a welcoming atmosphere, and trophies you can knock out burglars with.

Anyone who's been in Lindy Hop competitions for more than a few years knows how hard that is to come by. Overall, the event was incredibly classy, a symbol of the respect the organizers feel for this dance that gives everyone of us the ability to fly.

We'd like to take this opportunity to give some of our DC peeps and Jam Cellar regulars some competition and performance props:

Lee Tucker took first place in the pro-am, dancing with DC's Kelly Arsenault.

Crista Seipp took second place in the Advanced Lindy Jack and Jill with her normal partner Jamie Cameron. Anyone who thinks they had an advantage has never gotten their own partner in a Jack and Jill before.

Doug Van Sant got fourth in the Open Jack and Jill, and we'd like to give special props to him for dancing so relaxed and confident in his first spotlight.

Kate Hedin took first place in the Champions Balboa, and third place in the advanced Lindy Jack and Jill. Incidentally, the International Balboa Champions Nick William and Kate Hedin will be teaching at the Jam Cellar on Sept. 9.

Kelly Arsenault took 1st place in the Cabaret division with an emotionally powerful modern dance piece.

Abigail Browning took 3rd place in the pro-am.

And, a special mention for Naomi Uyama would not be amiss. She TORE IT UP Saturday night as the sultry vocalist for the Boilermaker Jazz Band.

Last, but not least, Luke Albao and Bobby White were particularly jaunty in their Charleston performance. And none were lankier.

I don't think I missed anyone, but if I did, I apologize greatly and will amend it in the next email. Please send me the info.

In September: Balboa Buffet!!

Classes for all types of Balboa Dancers, intermediate to advanced, including a class with International Lindy Hop Champions Nick Williams and Kate Hedin(Sept. 9). Here's the deal: Sept. 2 is SLIDES for all Lindy and Bal dancers. Sept. 9 is Nick and Kate teach FANCY STUFF. Sept. 16 is TURNS AND JUMPS. Sept. 23 is TOP SECRET BAL SECRETS, and finally, Sept. 30 is ADVANCED HIJINX. If you know the basic, comearound, lollies, toss-out and cross-overs, you are qualified for these classes and we want you to come to all of them. Please note, however, Sept. 9 and Sept. 30 will be advanced material, for those at Jam Cellar who know a lot of balboa already and want a truly challenging class.

SAC AU LAIT Dixieland Band at Glen Echo Sept. 12!!

The up-and-coming Baltimore gangster-land dixieland jazz band is the band-of-choice for the Baltimore Swing Scene, and we're excited to give them their DC debut at the Bumper Car Pavillion. $13. 9 p.m.-midnight. Presented in cooperation with the Glen Echo Park Partnership for Arts & Culture, Inc., the National Park Service and Montgomery County, MD.

Tonight! The FINAL Pillar of Looking Fancy (week 4 of 4)

What makes a good looking dancer? Natural movement, lines, pulse, mechanics, arms, body positions, move choices, relaxation, flow, dynamic, performance technique, partnership connection, or what? This series will attack these elements of attractive-looking dancing, examining them through new moves and exercises geared to bring out these aspects in your own dancing. For Int/Adv lindy hoppers. Sign up at the door.

Tonight, DJ Naomi Uyama,

In celebration of this weekend's International Lindy Hop Championships, hug a foreigner today. I, however, will be spending my time working on a Johns Hopkins event calendar, which is why this week's email is so lame.

In September: Balboa Buffet!!

Classes for all types of Balboa Dancers, intermediate to advanced, including a class with Balboa mastermind Nick Williams (Sept. 9).

Tonight: The Pillars of Looking Fancy (Week 3 of 4)!

What makes a good looking dancer? Natural movement, lines, pulse, mechanics, arms, body positions, move choices, relaxation, flow, dynamic, performance technique, partnership connection, or what? This series will attack these elements of attractive-looking dancing, examining them through new moves and exercises geared to bring out these aspects in your own dancing. For Int/Adv lindy hoppers. Sign up at the door.

Tonight: Building Your Basics continues tonight! (week 2 of 6)

The incredible followup to our Beginner Lindy Hop Series, Building Your Basics starts August 12. Whether you be a recent grad of our Beginner series, a more experienced Lindy Hopper looking to clean up your steps, or a spy looking to see what early 90's alt rock band t-shirt Jeff will be wearing, this class is for you.

Hallo-Hallo, what, what?

Often a chap will come to me and say "Gonsy, I can't come to Jam Cellar tonight. Too hot, you see. My clothes are still drying out from last week." And I say to them "Vasquez", assuming their name is Vasquez, "I understand. But if there's one night you don't want to miss, it's Aug. 12."

Why, you may be asking? I'll tell you. Tonight's Featured A. is the One Minute Showcase, and I tell you, it's a topper. But that's not all. You see, DJ Jerry Almonte will be giving us ample portions of "the food of love," as the fellow once said. Shakespeare, I think. Or perhaps some motion picture I saw. Anyway, he'll be playing "hot" music all night long, which I imagine he means figuratively. Not quite sure, though, might want to check on that.

Anyway, look to the bulletin ahead for the rest of your news. Pip-pip!

Gonsworth Bingles

South Kensington, London

The Jam Cellar's 1930's British Foreign Correspondent.

Building Your Basics series starts tonight! (week 1 of 6)

The incredible followup to our Beginner Lindy Hop Series, Building Your Basics starts August 12. Whether you be a recent grad of our Beginner series, a more experienced Lindy Hopper looking to clean up your steps, or a spy looking to see what early 90's alt rock band tshirt Jeff will be wearing, this class is for you.

The Pillars of Looking Fancy (Week 2 of 4)!

What makes a good looking dancer? Natural movement, lines, pulse, mechanics, arms, body positions, move choices, relaxation, flow, dynamic, performance technique, partnership connection, or what? This series will attack these elements of attractive-looking dancing, examining them through new moves and exercises geared to bring out these aspects in your own dancing. Just because you learned to look fancy from Biggie Shorty from the cinematic masterpiece "Pootie Tang", doesn't mean you can't learn a thing or two. For Int/Adv lindy hoppers. Sign up at the door.

Direct from NYC and Del Boca Vista, DJ Ryan Swift!

Our regular writer, Bobby, is MIA this week. We fear that he may have been picked up by Apple to pen their new advertising campaign. Nonetheless, we'll get him back. In the meantime, you'll have to settle for my odd pop culture references and cut and paste skills. - Andy

This week, at the only swing dance venue that probably should register with the national Bikram Yoga Federation, we have DJ Ryan (Swifty) Swift playing music for us. As a special treat, during set breaks, he will breath fire and move things using only the power of cynicism and dry wit.

Pillars of Looking Fancy Starts Today!

What makes a good looking dancer? Natural movement, lines, pulse, mechanics, arms, body positions, move choices, relaxation, flow, dynamic, performance technique, partnership connection, or what? This series will attack these elements of attractive-looking dancing, examining each through new moves and exercises geared to bring out these aspects in your own dancing. Just because you learned to look fancy from Biggie Shorty from the Hollywood masterpiece "Pootie Tang", doesn't mean you can't learn a thing or two. For Int/Adv lindy hoppers. Sign up at the door.

Sign up for the 1-Minute Showcase (August 12 - Next Week!)

Do you love watching incredible dance choreography, but the thought of spending three minutes in front of hundreds of people in the middle of a contest makes you curl into the fetal position? Then this is the perfect event for you! It's the one-minute showcase, inspired by a similar event at the great Lindy Hop camp called the Inspiration Weekend (see how inspiring it is?).Basically, you sign up, you come up with one minute of choreography (partnered dance or solo jazz) to a song of your choice, and you perform it along with others Aug. 12. You even get in free to that dance. Sign up downstairs, and members of the Jam Cellar crew will be on hand throughout the month to help you with anything you need.

Building Your Basics Lindy Hop Series Starts Next Week!

The incredible followup to our Beginner Lindy Hop Series, Building Your Basics starts August 12. Whether you be a recent grad of our Beginner series, a more experienced Lindy Hopper looking to clean up your steps, or a spy looking to see what early 90's alt rock band tshirt Jeff will be wearing, this class is for you.

Tonight, DJ Mike Marcotte!

As our loyal readers know, we last heard that Nina and Naomi were in an underground bunker in the Swedish mountains with a guy named Jarl. Their final correspondence is below.

Intro to Balboa (Week 5 of 5)!

Learn why the California swing dance has such a passionate cult following in the already cult-sized swing dance scene. Taught by international Balboa instructors Bobby un der partner Kate.

Pillars of Looking Fancy Starts Next Week!

We at the Jam Cellar concentrate a lot on how the dance feels, so that everyone who learns at Jam Cellar will forever be mentioned by attractive members of the opposite sex as "feel-good dancers." Now it's time to check ourselves out a little bit, and talk about looking good. This series will focus on the dimensions of a great-looking dance, and moves that best illustrate those dimensions. Sign up at the Jam Cellar tonight, or just show up for the first class!

Sign up for the 1-Minute Showcase (August 12)

Do you love watching incredible dance choreography, but the thought of spending three minutes in front of hundreds of people in the middle of a contest makes you curl into the fetal position? Then this is the perfect event for you! It's the one-minute showcase, inspired by a similar event at the great Lindy Hop camp called the Inspiration Weekend (see how inspiring it is?).Basically, you sign up, you come up with one minute of choreography (partnered dance or solo jazz) to a song of your choice, and you perform it along with others Aug. 12. You even get in free to that dance. Sign up downstairs, and members of the Jam Cellar crew will be on hand throughout the month to help you with anything you need.

Email From Nina Gilkenson

DAY 11 (Continued) After Naomi and I had eaten some fresh apples, and gotten the taste of SPLISH from our mouths, we were much more up to confronting dangerous world-threatening situations.

“So what do you know?” we asked Jarl.

“I know that this corporation is making machines that look like people. They have blonde hair, blue eyes, and are very fashionable, so we can not tell them apart from other Swedes. As far as I can make out, there are twelve models. I have dsicovred what eleven of them look like, but cannot find the last. Anyway, they are producing them somewhere up here, an army of them. They come with skis, and live in the woods, and terrorize people. They say the same thing over and over “Attack, terrorize, and terminate.” They have GPS, so they always know where they are, they are made of poly-volimer flexi-plastics, so they never break, and they are fed from a national wireless energy source, so they never die.”

“Sounds like an iPhone,” I said.

“A what?” he asked.

“An iPhone. By Apple.” Naomi said. “They sound like iPeople.”

“Apple.” He whispered to himself. “Of course. It all makes sense! The computer system here is finicky and limited, but user-friendly. I had to subscribe to iTunes in order to turn on the air conditioning. And the iPeople, they are so light.”

“And, that would explain why my phone keeps charged,” I said.

“What phone?” he asked.

I pulled it out and showed him, and he screamed and batted it out of my hand.

“They will know we are coming.” He said, running to the other room and packing things into a bag. “We must go.”

DAY 12

It was shortly after midnight when we left the hatch, and ran into the darkness of the forest. I swear I could hear the sounds of skiers passing in the night, moving in teh direction of the hatch.

We had decided to keep my iphone, since it was hacked out and not connected to AT&T, and since, even though it's the spawn of the devil, it's so damn useful.

Hours later, in the tenet Jarl had erected, we huddled for warmth in the thick coats Jarl had given us. (He also had showed us a room full of old Victorian gowns and accessories that were hidden in the bunker for some reason. Jarl thought maybe we could cut them up and make useful clothes out of them, and Naomi and I refused to speak to him for awhile while we figured out which hats matched our parasols.)

Anyway, Naomi and Jarl started talking about leather books, and I knew she wanted to spend some time talking to him alone, a best friend just knows these things, so I kicked them out of the tent.

Outside, the moon was bright, and I could see the delicate shadow of two people sitting next to each other stretch across the wall of the tent. They were sitting close enough that depending how you looked at it, they were the shadow of one creature. It looked romantic at first, then I thought it looked a little like a camel.

DAY 13

We walked all day yesterday, and today, for the first time, we noticed the snow thinning out. At mid day, we saw, a mile before us, where the snow gave way to green fields and beautiful lakes. Unfortunately, it was then that we heard the hiss of skis. Turning around, we saw what had to be thirty attractive, blonde-haired skiers coming straight for us.

We ran as fast as we could for the green clearing, hoping that the time it took for them to get off their skis would give us enough time for escape. But, here's the thing. Have you ever tried to outrun a Swedish skier in three-inch silver heels in the snow?

We were almost to the edge of the snow when Jarl suddenly slipped, and Naomi and I had to help him up. By then, though, it was too late. We were surrounded.

SUSPENSEFUL PAUSE

All of them except for one were in poofy white ski jackets. The other was a thinner one, a man with softer features than the others, and he looked oddly. . . glossy.

“Attack, terrorize, and terminate,” he said, in a rather pleasant British woman's voice.

The skiers came towards us, pulling out various weapons slung across their backs, and Naomi and I took out what weapons Jarl had given us. And to be fair, we looked pretty hot, what with the sumptuous hair and automatic weapons and what not.

All of a sudden, though, there was a blaze of gunfire from the forrest around us, and skiers started going down left and right. Though we were confused, Jarl, Naomski and I started taking down our fair share as well. After a few moments, there was only one left standing–the softer, gentler robot that had given the order to kill us. He started walking towards us and we all started shooting at him, but bullets didn't effect him.

“Good God,” Jarl said. “He's second generation!”

“What does that mean?” Naomi asked.

“Half the price, but he eats twice as much. That's where they get you. Also he has a bulletproof plastic coating.”

“Wait a minute!” I said, and I pulled out my iphone and dialed a number. “Falty! What's the quickest way to freeze a macintosh product? No, I don't care what you're wearing right now. What's the quickest way to freeze a Mac?”

After a moment I hung up the phone, ran up to the robot, and said.

“Hey, you want to play a game?”

“Sure,” the robot said, then its eyes glossed over and it stood there for awhile.

“Done,” I said to the others. At that moment, figures merged from the forests at the edge of the clearing we were standing in. They were all different sizes, shapes, nationalities, and yet all had the unmistakable air of Lindy Hoppers.

“Greetings!” a voice said, and it was Frida! “Fancing meeting you here!”

“What happened? How did you find us? Why did you have all these guns?”

“Well, today was automatic rifle hunting day at Herrang, so we were just going on a little hunting trip. When we saw it was you, and those robots were about to kill you, we decided to help you out. I sent many volunteers to find you a few weeks ago, but they are useless. They are probably making out in the blues room. ”

“Can it be? It's Frida Segerdahl!” Jarl said, walking forward. “Our leader! The unstoppable force, the voice of our revolution!”

“What?” Naomi and I said. But there was no time to answer, because Jarl suddenly said “I must talk to you, Frida! I must! I must” and Frida suddenly pulled up her rifle and shot him.

“No!” Naomi cried, flinging off her hat and dashing to him. Jarl didn't bleed, he merely fizzled a bit and fell over.

“Frida, you shot Jarl!” I said, and though it doesn't sound like it was mean, if you were there and the one who shot him, you'd have felt very embarassed.

“He's a robot.” She said.

“What?”

“Yes, he's one of them. My organization has known about him for months. They were hoping to use him to get to me.”

Naomi lifted her petticoats and crouched next to him, her brunette tresses winding in the wind. “Jarl,” she whispered, a lone tear falling upon her bodice.

“So, let me get this straight,” Nina said. “You not only run Herrang and teach internationally almost every weekend, but you also head up a revolution that fights iKillers and is trying to take down the Apple corporation?”

“What can I say?” she said. “I have all this energy, I have to do something with it.”

DAY 17

Well, Bobby, we are safe and sound, finishing up our classes at Herrang, and we'll be home soon. Naomi is doing a lot better, and we've refused to change out of our dresses, which is hilarious, because already three or four girls hoping to beat Naomi in a contest have started trying to find out where they can buy a Victorian gown.

We'll see you soon.

Neeners.

Sent from Nina's iPhone.

I hope you have enjoyed Herrang Death Camp IV. Let it be known I have nothing but great love and respect for Nina, Naomi, Frida, Falty, Herrang Swing Dance camp, and the Swedish people in general. I particularly have a secret crush on Marie Nahnfeldt, who is a married woman, and I'd appreciate it if no one told her. Any liberties taken with the personalities of living people was simply for comical purposes and not meant to be harsh or demeaning. If anyone was offended by the serial adventure in anyway, I'd be happy to hear about it. Please call me at 1-800-275-2273.

Tonight, DJ Betsy Kipperman!

Dear Jam Cellar Readers: We received news two weeks ago that the livestock-cargo plane carrying Naomi and Nina to Herrang disappeared over the Swedish Alps. However, in a bizarre streak of luck, Nina's Iphone still picks up a signal, and she has sent us some updates to let us know that she and Naomi are uninjured. Where we left off, Nina had just chased a rabbit down a hole that turned out to be a hatch to an underground building, eerily inscribed with Nina's phone number on it. Because many of you are friends with them, I have included their next correspondence at the end of this email. –R.W.

Intro to Balboa (Week 4 of 5)!

More of that incredible dance that's sweeping a small portion of the nation. Learn why the California swing dance has such a passionate cult following in the already cult-sized swing dance scene. Drop-ins for tonight's class only for people who know the basic and comearound. Taught by international Balboa instructors Bobby un der partner Kate.

Sign up for the 1-Minute Showcase (August 12)

Do you love watching incredible dance choreography, but the thought of spending three minutes in front of hundreds of people in the middle of a contest makes you curl into the fetal position? Then this is the perfect event for you! It's the one-minute showcase, inspired by a similar event at the great Lindy Hop camp called the Inspiration Weekend (see how inspiring it is?).Basically, you sign up, you come up with one minute of choreography (partnered dance or solo jazz) to a song of your choice, and you perform it along with others Aug. 12. You even get in free to that dance. Sign up downstairs, and members of the Jam Cellar crew will be on hand throughout the month to help you with anything you need.

Pillars of Looking Fancy in August

We at the Jam Cellar concentrate a lot on how the dance feels, so that everyone who learns at Jam Cellar will forever be mentioned by attractive members of the opposite sex as "feel-good dancers." Now it's time to check ourselves out a little bit, and talk about looking good. This series will focus on the dimensions of a great-looking dance, and moves that best illustrate those dimensions. Coming in August.

This week, a Jam Cellar mini-workshop at Glen Echo!

Bobby and Kate and the Jam Cellar will be offering a two-hour workshop at Glen Echo this Thursday night for your quick fix needs. Beginning Uptempo Lindy (8 to 10 p.m. July 24 in the bumper car pavilion; warm up and stretch starting at 7:30 p.m.) will breeze you through lightening lindy hop, concentrating on making it as relaxed and effortless as possible. $22 per person. Presented in cooperation with the Glen Echo Park Partnership for Arts & Culture, Inc., the National Park Service and Montgomery County, MD.

Email from Nina Gilkenson,
Subject: Lost…and tired and hungry.

Hey Bobbers,

DAY 10: (continued) While I collected my thoughts and stared at the hatch in front of me, double and triple checking that it was indeed my phone number on it, Naomi came down the ladder.

"Should we…knock?" She said.

The next thing we knew, a bright light came through a small window in the hatch door and almost blinded us. I mean, who puts a spotlight facing a hatch window? Anyway, soon the outline of a man reaching up blocked out most of the light, and the hatch door opened, Naomi and myself falling through.

We landed on the ground and were helped up by a six-foot-four blonde mountain man with blue eyes and chin-length blonde hair, and I could tell Naomi totally liked him. She claims she was more worried about getting off the floor and making sure she hadn't broken anything, but best friends can tell these things. He was wearing orange parachute pants and a neon-green double breasted coat, which was awesome.

Hello, my name is Jarl. You are American, yes? I am very glad to see you!"

"Yes! Yes!" I said, "And you must be some mountain man who hasn't seen another human being since the 1990s!"

"No, no, I understand. This is actually the cutting edge of Swedish fashion," he said, "In fact, I'm actually a few years ahead of the times here. But, listen, I need your help. There is something very important happening here."

"We'd be happy to help, but, here's the thing," I said, getting down to business. "First off, you have to explain to me why my phone number's on your hatch, and I'm not talking about a tattoo. Second of all, we haven't eaten in days. Do you by any chance have any food, or cardboard, or anything besides snow or each other we can eat."

"Don't worry, I have plenty of food, yes?" he said, and held up a tube with a cartoon tuna on it, and big bright letters that read SPISH.

"You have heard of spam?" he asked.

I threw up a little in my mouth.

Ten minutes later, we had eaten three tubes of SPISH each, and had fallen asleep in IKEA bunk beds in the guest room, which happened to be full of automatic weapons, grenades, and armor suits, but we were too tired to ask about it."

DAY 11: The next day, while we dug into our SPISH cereal with Tuna Milk, Jarl blew our minds away by revealing a television season's worth of secrets all in one conversation.

He was really excited to see us because we weren't one of those "others."

"Others?"

I asked, picking a bone out of my cereal.

Yes, what you know, Swedes. On Skis.

"If you think Swedish skiers are bad, you should see some American Skiers. They're so Waspy they think the MiddleEast only refers to Newport."

"No, no, you don't understand." He said. "Or at least, I don't understand a single thing you just said. But that's not the point. The point is, we are all in great danger. I know a secret that very few others know. You see, Sweden is no longer my country."

"What do you mean?"

"It no longer belongs to the Swedish people, it was secretly bought by an American corporation for suspicious purposes. I think it has a secret plan to own the world."

"Which corporation?"

I'm not quite sure yet, but I am very close to finding out. It is, how do you say, right under my nose." He said, taking a bite from an apple.

"Wait a minute," I said. It suddenly dawned on me.

"Yes?"

"You have apples?"

Tonight, DJ Luke Albao!

Dear Jam Cellar Readers: We received news last week that the small, unstable livestock-cargo plane carrying Naomi and Nina to Herrang disappeared over the Swedish Alps. However, in a bizarre streak of luck, Nina's Iphone still picks up a signal, and she has sent us an update to let us know that she and Naomi are uninjured and are going to attempt to make their way back to civilization along with their rescued rabbit, Fluffle McChitter. Because many of you are friends with them, I have included their next correspondence at the end of this email. –R.W.

Intro to Balboa (Week 3 of 5)!

More of that incredible dance that's sweeping a small portion of the nation. Learn why the California swing dance has such a passionate cult following in the swing dance scene. Drop-ins for tonight's class only for people who know the balboa basic and the come-around and lollies. Taught by international Balboa instructors Bobby un der partner Kate.

Sign up for the 1-Minute Showcase (August 12)

Do you love watching incredible dance choreography, but the thought of spending three minutes in front of hundreds of people in the middle of a contest makes you curl into the fetal position? Then this is the perfect event for you! It's the one-minute showcase, inspired by a similar event at the great Lindy Hop camp called the Inspiration Weekend (see how inspiring it is?).Basically, you sign up, you come up with one minute of choreography (partnered dance or solo jazz) to a song of your choice, and you perform it along with others Aug. 12. You even get in free to that dance. Sign up downstairs, and members of the Jam Cellar crew will be on hand throughout the month to help you with anything you need.

Pillars of Looking Fancy in August

We at the Jam Cellar concentrate a lot on how the dance feels, so that everyone who learns at Jam Cellar will forever be mentioned by attractive members of the opposite sex as "feel-good dancers." Now it's time to check ourselves out a little bit, and talk about looking good. This series will talk about all the dimensions of a great-looking dance, and moves that best illustrate those dimensions. Coming in August.

2 Summer mini-workshops at Glen Echo!

Bobby and Kate and the Jam Cellar will be offering two different two-hour workshops at Glen Echo this July for your quick fix needs. Balboa Bootcamp (8 to 10 p.m. July 17) will breeze you through the fundamentals of Balboa at a lightening pace, while Beginning Uptempo Lindy (8 to 10 p.m. July 24) will breeze you through lightening lindy hop at a fundamental pace. Each workshop is $22 per person. Presented in cooperation with the Glen Echo Park Partnership for Arts & Culture, Inc., the National Park Service and Montgomery County, MD.

Email from Nina Gilkenson
Subject: Something strange is going on here

Hey Boobs, [Translation: Bobby]

A lot of strange things have been happening here. I can't go into it right now, but I though someone should know just in case we never make it back. I've included my iPhone diary entries for you, as well as my high scores on iYatzee from the past few days. In the event of my death, please show them to Kate and Stephanie [Nina's housemates] and point out how much I own them.

Day 3:
We've been hiking for two days now, and Naomi had the brilliant idea of taking a sheet of metal from the wreckage to make a sled out of, to carry our baggage and whatever we could get from the wreckage, which mostly included bunny food, which ironically tastes like death. We also found a loaded gun, which I hope doesn't come back to haunt us. I don't know if we're going to make it. Perhaps I should stop listening to the "Planecrash" playlist I've made. I think it's bringing the mood down.

Day 5: Still no sign of civilization, and we are starving. Naomi whispered to me that perhaps we should think about other options, such as rabbit sushi. I grew suspicious, and put Fluffle McChitter in my carry-on bag, and pointed the gun at Naomi all day in case she came close to the bunny. She thinks I'm not handling the shock of the plane crash well and am not acting rationally. I threw snow at her to show her who was acting rationally and who wasn't. I think she got the idea. We're all going to get out of this, Naomi, Fluffle, and me, as a family should.

Day 9:
Fluffle McChitter has to die. Though I love both Naomi and Fluffle, I'm emotionally prepared to shoot and eat one of them. And though Naomi runs slower than Fluffle, she made a convincing argument for why it has to be Fluffle. At least, I think its convincing, I can't tell these days, as everything seems to blend together into the whiteness that surrounds my soul.

Day 10:
We gave Fluffle one more night to live, overstuffing him with bunny food, allowing him to cuddle with two incredibly attractive and mysterious women, who were themselves wearing thirteen layers of clothing, and in the morning, Naomi started a fire and I got the gun.

It's very hard shooting a bunny if you've never fired a pistol before. While I was taking down trees, bushes, and snow piles, Fluffle bolted for the woods and disappeared down a hole. I went to the edge of the hole to fire down it, but the snow suddenly gave out beneath me and I fell.

The next thing I remember, Naomi was calling my name. I was on a hard surface about twenty feet down the large hole. I saw something sticking up form the surface, and I brushed away the snow there. I found I was lying on top of a portal door with an iron handle. On the door was written the number 651-753-0240.

"What the [fudge]?"

"What is it?" Naomi asked.

"It's my phone number."

Oops, sorry, Bobby. That's all I have time to send you right now, but I'll promise to stay in touch. It shouldn't be a problem, as my iPhone for some reason hasn't died yet. The battery keeps recharging itself. Something really strange is going on here.

P.S. Did you see So You Think You Can Dance last night? That was incredible.

Love, Neeners

Dear Jam Cellar Readers:

Dear Jam Cellar Readers: We received news recently that the small, unstable livestock-cargo plane carrying Jam Cellar organizesr and world-class Swing dance instructors Naomi Uyama and Nina Gilkenson to Herrang has disappeared over the Swedish Alps. It is believed the dance camp booked the two on a livestock transport plane to cut down on travel costs for the instructors. Though smaller than the Swiss Alps, the Swedish mountain range is still a dangerous terrain full of feral reindeer, freezing temperatures, and petit, blonde-haired mountain men who haven't seen a woman for years. However, in a bizarre streak of luck, Nina's Iphone still picks up a signal, and she has sent us an update to let us know that she and Naomi appear uninjured, and are going to attempt to make their way back to civilization. Because many of you are friends with them, I have included their first correspondence at the end of this email. –R.W.

Otherwise, it's a party tonight at the Jam Cellar!!!

Intro to Balboa (Week 2 of 5)!

More of that incredible dance that's sweeping a small portion of the nation. Learn why the California swing dance has such a large cult following in the swing dance scene. Drop-ins for tonight's class only for people who know the balboa basic and the come-around. Taught by international Balboa instructors Bobby un Kate.

Intro to Lindy (week 2 of 6)

Learn all about the original intricate swing dance that started it all.

Sign up for the 1-Minute Showcase (August 12)

Do you love watching incredible dance choreography, but the thought of spending three minutes in front of hundreds of people in the middle of a contest makes you curl into the fetal position? Then this is the perfect event for you! It's the one-minute showcase, inspired by a similar event at the great Lindy Hop camp called the Inspiration Weekend (see how inspiring it is?). Basically, you sign up, you come up with one minute of choreography (partnered dance or solo jazz) to a song of your choice, and you perform it along with others Aug. 12. You even get in free to that dance. Sign up downstairs, and members of the Jam Cellar crew will be on hand throughout the month to help you with anything you need.

2 Summer mini-workshops at Glen Echo!

Bobby and Kate and the Jam Cellar will be offering two different two-hour workshops at Glen Echo this July for your quick fix needs. Balboa Bootcamp (8 to 10 p.m. July 17) will breeze you through the fundamentals of Balboa at a lightening pace, while Beginning Uptempo Lindy (8 to 10 p.m. July 24) will breeze you through lightening lindy hop at a fundamental pace. Each workshop is $22 per person. Presented in cooperation with the Glen Echo Park Partnership for Arts & Culture, Inc., the National Park Service and Montgomery County, MD.

Email from Nina Gilkenson
Subject: We're okay, but please send help to the plane crash site as soon as possible.

Dear Bobby,

If you are getting this email, it is because my Iphone F-ing rocks. Also, our plane went down and we're stranded on a mountain. Somewhere in Sweden, I'm guessing, since even the animals are thin and have blue eyes. I don't remember much about the accident, but Naomi says that's because I sacrificed myself to protect a rabbit in the crash.

There is no sign of the pilot, which might have been why the plane crashed. It seems like all the livestock animals they were transporting were fine, except that most of their cages were destroyed in the crash, and so now they're trying to eat each other. We did manage to save the rabbit. We've decided to call him Fluffle McChitter.

It's very cold here, and Naomi and I have put on every piece of clothing in our suitcases to stay warm. It worked out for the best, because we noticed several things we had borrowed from each other and forgotten about. Tonight, at least, we have the burning wreckage to keep us warm. However, the snow is starting to fall, and I don't think the fire will last long. So tomorrow, Naomi, Fluffle and I will have to begin looking for civilization.

Anyway, I was mainly writing to see if you could put in your rent check.

Love,
Neeners.

Nina has promised to keep in touch, and so I promise to keep you in touch as events unfold.

The January of the second half of the year! The coldest month in Australia! Named for Julius Caesar, who was born on July 1st, along with Canada Day, where we celebrate our shy, easygoing neighbor to the north, the ones who didn't rebel against the British, causing generations of awkward silence between the two countries! Yes, July!

To celebrate the month that will take us 30 days closer to our deaths, live life to the fullest by coming to tonight's Jam Cellar, where we have all sorts of new beginnings taking place. DJ Lee Tucker will show you why we call his DJ style tuckin'

Intro to Lindy Hop starts tonight!

"Damn you, elusive Lindy Hop! Are you eight counts, or six? Are you open or closed? How can I maneuver your confinement, yet what do I do with the great burden of all your freedom?" If you say this weekly, perhaps with clinched fists in the rain, then what you need is an "Intro to lindy hop series." And you can't get a much better one than our famous "Intro to Lindy" series, which begins today.

Intro to Balboa starts tonight!

Impress members of the opposite sex with Balboa, a swing dance that allows one to dance to swing music in really tight spaces with no loss in speed. It's the lap top of Lindy Hop. With its own slightly different styling and ideals, it still encompasses the fundamental lead and following skills inherent in all good swing dancing. Four week-introduction series begins this week.

The 1-Minute Showcase Showcase August 12

We're so proud of you Jam Cellar dancers that we want you to have a showcase for your talent. We're announcing a one-minute-showcase showcase for August 12 If you'd like to get some experience performing, or basically just have a little fun (one minute's worth), we invite you , or you and a partner, to come up with one minute of choreography to perform for your friends at the Jam Cellar in August. It can be Lindy, Balboa, Solo Charleston, step, clowning, anything. This is NOT a contest, no one will be judged. Everyone's doing it, you should too. Bobby and Kate and other Jam Cellar organizers will be on hand every Tuesday to help out if you need it. Sign up at the Jam Cellar.

2 Summer mini-workshops at Glen Echo!

Bobby and Kate and the Jam Cellar will be offering two different two-hour workshops at Glen Echo this July for your quick fix needs. Balboa Bootcamp (8 to 10 p.m. July 17) will breeze you through the fundamentals of Balboa at a lightening pace, while Beginning Uptempo Lindy (8 to 10 p.m. July 24) will breeze you through lightening lindy hop at a fundamental pace. Each workshop is $22 per person. Presented in cooperation with the Glen Echo Park Partnership for Arts & Culture, Inc., the National Park Service and Montgomery County, MD.